Monday, February 19, 2007

Wookie Porn!

Now I've your attention this is a post about the Star Wars Holiday Special and how I love watching it. Not alone, you understand, but rather talking over it with chums and watching as their love of Star Wars is put to the test in this 90 minute travesty.

The Star Wars Holiday Special was broadcast not long after the original movie came out in 1978 and was intended to be a variety show for the holidays (Christmas I think). The plot is that Han Solo and his buddy Chewie are desperately trying to get back to Kashyyk for Wookie Life Day, but the darn Empire keeps chasing them, lazily only via reuse of footage from A New Hope.

It all starts of reasonably well with the dramatic opening of a star destroyer chasing the Falcon, and then the announcer begins with...

Starring Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker
Harrison Ford as Han Solo
Carrie Fisher as a very doped up looking Princess Leia
--- and so on... ----

(Alec Guinness was unwilling to reprise his role as Obi Wan Kenobi... odd that!)

Then, suddenly without warning the travesty begins as the narrator continues by "introducing Chewbacca's family... his wife Malla, his father Itchy, his son Lumpy". Yes I kid you not - then we open with what seems like an eternity as Lumpy, Itchy and Malla talk to each other in Wookie (sans subtitles). But that's not all, the Holiday Special has so much to offer:-


  • Wookie porn - Granpa Lumpy gets a "wow" machine which looks like it came from a hairdresser but seems to be some sort of Wookie Porn!

  • Princess Leia singing the Star Wars theme

  • Princess Leia looking like she is coked up to the nines

  • Luke Skywalker with far, far, far too much mascara on

  • The worst coded conversation ever - "That rug you ordered will arrive. Made by hand. Hand solo you might say!"

  • A four handed chef basting a turkey on Wookie TV

  • Clothed wookies

  • A musical extravaganza in the Star Wars cantina with Bea Arthur



However it is a little known fact that the Holiday Special saw the appearance of Boba Fett in a little animated short. This cartoon is probably the only respectable bit of the Holiday Special and feels like it was meant to be part of a bigger story that never got made.

If you are morbidly curious the entire holiday special is on YouTube, but be prepared for your brain to hurt!



There is also a five minute long version that really shows you everything you need to know.

4 comments:

SixFoot Hobbit said...

You Fiend! Let it die in peace! Don't spread it about, I had to boil my eyes after seeing it!

SAVE YOURSELVES!
RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!

Stuart Kerrigan said...

Pish posh. Forget the duel of Obi Wan and Anakin on the lava planet, or the epic duel in the tunnels of Cloud City - Star War's #1 moment is a four armed transvestite basting a turkey on Wookie TV. You sir, are clearly mad! Patang!

Katie said...

I got my hands on a copy of this a couple of years ago. It's a horrid horrid copy, but I managed to find it, despite Lucas's claims of wanting to destroy every copy ever (damn internet screwed that).

I haven't made it through it. I tried. Several times. The 20 minutes of Wookie conversation (maybe it's shorter...) lost me. I'm so proud of you for making it through. And more than a little scared (and ashamed for knowing you :p ).

Doctor Sordid said...

Just when I thought the Golden Girls was the worst thing Bea Arthur ever did...

Why is Diane Carroll dressed up as a Movellan?

And are Jefferson Starship just there to provide Carrie Fisher with reefers?