Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Geek's Knight

Not much to report, I still seem to spend a lot of time larking around (sorry, I wanted to use the word larking today) when I should be continuing to work on my new gaff, but it's all good anyroads.

I got identified as King of the Geeks this weekend.

Quizmaster: "Which Monty Python provided a voice for Transformers the Movie?"

Stuart (too loudly as usual): "Pah - easy." (Incidentally it's Eric Idle who provides the voice of the Junkion leader)

Quizmaster then proceeded to identify me loudly on his microphone as a total geek, which to be fair I am. I mean I watched Merlin: The Return this weekend.

Worst. Arthurian. Film. Ever.

These guys told me never to watch it. Apparently they destroyed their video tape after watching it. But I did watch it. You know why. I didn't destroy my Sky box (though I may need it replaced as it only does Sky+ stuff after a reboot some times).

Merlin: The Return comes on Sky Movies every weekend - I've seen it on the listings without fail for over a year, like some sort of TV trap waiting to suck out your soul. As my soul is still currently remortgaged to El Diablo the Devil's Oven I risked recording and watching it especially.

So what's it about?

Arthurian stuff happened, including all the affairs and so forth. We know this because the text at the start of the film says so. Arthur went to sleep and Mordred was banished when Rik Mayall from Bottom cast a spell that cursed Mordred with immortality for 1,500 years in a Netherworld.

Never curse an enemy with immortality. It always bites you in the ass.

Lancelot and Guineveire (an attractive chick who looks like she should be in a pop video) are also trapped with Craig Sheffer... I mean Mordred... in some evil netherworld I mean Mordred and yet routinely wander around his evil realm, free. Craig's netherworld is populated with a harem of hot chicks who are willing to be sacrificed to turn into really dodgy CGI skeletons. To be honest I would rather stay with the unsacrificed chicks than escape the netherworld.

Tia Carrere (or NoCareer after this) is an evil scientist who wants to release Mordred because then he will let her do her science stuff unfettered by the mundane people. Apparently releasing 1,500 year old bad dudes is a way round the grant system.

There are also two of the worst child actors ever to see the light of day, Patrick Bergin (the guy from the good Robin Hood movie that came out at the same time as Prince of Thieves) as King Arthur, Adrian Paul (Highlander the TV guy) as Lancelot and Mordred's mother, who I presume is Morgan LeFey or Morgwase, whose only role is to share a disturbing snog with her son.

It's all cringeworthy. The glorious Knights of the Round Table try to take on a petrol tanker and fail miserably to either damage it or notice the driver. Merlin drops out of the sky in front of the kid's car and they go, "Oh it's just Merlin, the crazy guy that lives in our village." Characters are routinely captured and held by knights only to be inexplicably free and able to meddle in the next shot.

It's bad. Don't see it. PLEASE!


SixFoot Hobbit said...

I wish I'd seen your film. Merlin and the Sword is much, much worse...

Stuart said...

There... is... another... Merlin?

I feel like I've lost another 90 minutes of my life already.

SixFoot Hobbit said...