Office Humour

Some more wit from real conversations in the office. It helps if you're a programmer or read Dilbert...

In conversation about the on-line marking system we run:-

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S: "I'm a little concerned about your marking system, B. No-one else understands it."
B: "That's fine."
S: "But, what if you were run over by a bus or something."
B: "Well they could just go back to using the old paper system. It's fine."
S: "So why replace it in the first place, especially since maintaining it seems to take all your time."
B: "..."

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S: "How do you use the constants TRUE and FALSE in PHP?"
B: "Oh, I don't use constants. I use 1 and 0 in my code."
S: "I could believe that."

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Oh, and this gem ties into the whole TRUE and FALSE thing...

B: "I should do the Software Engineering module. I have an MSc in Software Engineering."
Various People in the Office: "Shame you never learned anything obviously."

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S enquires if B thinks he's a team player since he treats everyone else in the office like they were scum and villainy.

B (paraphrased): "Yes, I'm a team player, I just don't like unnecessary communication. I think people should communicate as little as is necessary. We need less effective communication."

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B (paraphrased): "My blasted CD-R drive doesn't work under Windows XP. I need Nero."
S: "Say, you have a CD-R drive. Why do you make poor U. burn all the CDs for the students on his computer?"
B (paraphrased): "Well, it's my CD-R, I paid for it and brought it in, I don't see why I should do it. Burning CDs isn't my job."
G. the Sysadmin fellow in the office looks at B. oddly.


(Page 3 of the Job Description: "assist with occasional teaching related jobs, including... creating of departmental software CD-ROMs...")

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In a discussion about answering student queries

B: "They'll need to employ someone else to do that."

(Page 2 of the Job Description: "Assist in providing a drop-in troubleshooting service for students run by the Department...")

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I've never seen anyone have so many convincing arguments for their own redundancy.